Day 26: (Apocalyptic) Acceptance

Today has not been a good day 😦

The alarm clocked sounded this morning and upon opening my eyes, my head pounded. Migraine! I’m partly to blame for the headache, what with binge-watching series and movies to not have to think about how lockdown truly is impacting me, the people I love, and those I don’t even know. My head is still sore, my stomach is churning like a top-of-the-range cement mixer, and my heart is heavy.

In an attempt to get some work done, I closed all the blinds in The Cave. Darkness! A slight reprieve from the sandpaper that still scratches my eyeballs every time I blink. Thankfully I can type with my eyes closed. My ninth grade typing teacher would be so proud.

Getting It Off My Chest…

I am not sure where this post is going to go, but I feel this incredible urge to write because I feel that, if I don’t, I am going to have to decapitate myself, simply to silence the voices in my head that are, once again, at loggerheads with one another.

A number of people who I have grown to know over a period of time have said that my biggest asset is my personality – that there is something that they can’t quite pin point in the way I act towards others, that draws people to me.  Little do they know that I feel it is not my personality that draws people to me, but rather my need for validation and recognition (the fact that I’m vulnerable) that draws me to people.    A simple thing like receiving recognition for reaching a sales target, being told that I’m an integral cog in the machine, or being included in an event of some kind makes me feel “normal”. The other clarification is that I may be a FOMO sufferer (although I don’t think so, because I don’t spend that amount of time on social media wanting to know what other people are doing; I just want to be asked if I can be included in what they’re doing…)  I often think that being “The Piece of the Puzzle that doesn’t Quite Fit”, that my Maslow Triangle is inverted –

that Self Actualisation, Esteem and Social needs are more important than the basic physiological and safety ones, although my triangle would look more like this:

Valerie, a colleague, for whom I have a tremendous amount of respect, because she speaks the truth in a non-judgemental way, told me one day that the face I put to the world is a false one; that the party-loving, loud girl, is actually not who I am.  Man, did I cry that day.  Not because I was offended about being told I’m false, but because something in my heart changed.  The truth took hold.

A lot has happened since that talk with Valerie.  I’ve reassessed a lot of things and…

I’ve moved…and in three weeks of living on my own, I’ve learnt volumes about myself.  I’ve learned that I hate being on my own.  When I lived with my folks and they would go away for a few days leaving me alone, I would relish the silence – simply because there is always background noise in their house, the radio is always on in the kitchen, even though two TV’s are on.  Now that I’m on my own, the first thing I do when I get home is put on the radio, simply so that it feels as if there is another “life force” there with me.  Fortunately I have friends who know this and who will pop in for coffee or a quick chat, making the loneliness a bit easier to bear.  I’ve been told by many people that it takes getting used to, but that I will.  I’m looking forward to that day.

I’ve learned that some people will make me their friend, even though I had reservations about them when I met them initially.  While I have an incredible requirement to be accepted, I’m still inclined to be a bit choosy about who I want to accept me.  (Do you understand why the Little Voices are squabbling?) Once I’ve accepted that these people want to be part of my life, the scales fall off my eyes and with this renewed vision, I see the incredible kindness in their hearts.  To give an example, my neighbour invited me over for supper on Tuesday night.  I took over some corn on the cob and she made two lamb chops for each of us.  To some of you reading this, you’re probably thinking “Oh pu-leeze!!  This chick is getting sentimental over chops?!”  People, meat is expensive when you’re living on your own. 

I was telling Carmen the other day that I’ve made a new circle of friends through my Herbalife business.  She says that it is great because it is a circle of other people with other interests from whom I can learn something new.  She’s right too.  (Just how lucky am I to be surrounded by such wise people?)  These are people from all walks of life, who are working towards a common goal of helping people get healthy and active.  There is an indescribable camaraderie between the members of this “family” that is second to none.  It doesn’t matter how bad I’m feeling some days – after team training, or fit club with these amazing people, I feel energised and ready to carry on.  Just last night three of these people came to have a cup of coffee in my humble abode.  Just talking to them and hearing how they do things has motivated me to get back on the horse and keep trotting on.  There is a wealth of knowledge readily available through this “family”, not just about Herbalife, but about life as it happens.  (MTM is making a mental note to thank Steve for persisting to get me signed up…)

On a lighter note, I’ve learned that despite vehement denial, I am a lot shorter than I like to think I am.  The work surface in my flat is correct according to all ergonomic parameters, but the stove is a mobile one, which is substantially higher than a normal hob.  This is how I have been cooking for a while. 

Yes, I’m standing on a chair so that I can see what is cooking in the pots.  This will soon be a problem of the past as mom and dad have lent me their little induction cooker, which is flat on the work surface.  If I really want to bake, then I will use the little oven, because the way it stands now, it is at least at eye level.  Aunty Carol and Uncle Barry have also graciously donated a George Foreman grill to me, so once I receive it, I will be able to grill at an ergonomic level too!

There, now I feel slightly better, having got it out…the Voices are no longer shouting at one another, they’re hissing in whispers…