What’s the Worst Thing You can Step on in the Dark?

It’s not been the best week, so I’m grateful that it is Friday. Monday is the start of a new week and a new month. Historically February isn’t a good month for me; it brings with it many reminders that trigger deep bouts of sadness within me, but at least I know to expect them, right?

Anyhow, the inspiration for today’s post, comes from one of the pages I follow on Facebook. It had a post up today posing the question: What’s the worst thing you can step on in the dark?

I can think of quite a few things…

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Deathly, not Deadly Thoughts…and Fish

I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot this past week.  Murder too.  And no, I’m not planning on taking my own life, nor that of someone else (although I’ll admit, as a wannabe writer, I’ve come up with some plausible, but not-yet-perfect ways to get away with it).

My curiosity stems from excessive screen time over the Easter weekend.  I have to push my limits a little, and I think I did fairly well, considering.

I spent some time with my folks.  The Bean was watching a movie called A Father’s Nightmare which I only caught the last fifteen minutes of but was able to pretty much piece the story together without much background info.

This was followed by Bird Box, starring Sandra Bullock (who at 54 could still pull off the role of a pregnant woman).  Now, I hate spoiler alerts, so I’m not going to be a tell-all and ruin the movie for those of you who may want to watch it.  All I’m going to say is that it’s not the best movie to watch if you’re on medication that may exacerbate suicidal tendencies nor if you’re prone to overthinking.  I’m still wondering why some people became zombie-like, immune to the unseen force that drove others to kill themselves. Despite being in both categories, I quite enjoyed it.  My rating is 7.2/10

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On Monday I saw Chanté for a quick cup of Chai.  She asked about The Sperm Donor and what I’d done the weekend.  Turns out her hubby also wishes she’d change the channel off Crime and Investigation; she reckons she’s becoming clever.  We’re both in agreement on one thing:  We believe everyone has a breaking point where they can snap and commit murder.

The same evening, I saw Martha for dinner.  We didn’t discuss murder or suicide.  Damn pity, because she often has a very logical take on things so it would have been an interesting debate.  She did tell me about a book she’s reading about people’s near-death-experiences.

Last night I had hake in coconut cream, with salad, sweet potato fries and rice.

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The friend, Esmeralda (whom I dragged out in attempt to make her feel better about a crap situation) had pizza.  I obviously can’t go into detail as to what said shit-storm entails, but she did say I am so tired of it; that (wo)man is going to drive me to suicide.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard her utter the word suicide in the fifteen-plus years I’ve known her.  She kind of changed when the situation started, but every time I see her, she seems more emotional, whether angry, sad, or frustrated.  Like me, I don’t think she’d ever put action to her words, but as her friend I feel helpless as I watch her fall deeper into a fit of self-doubt.

One thing I do know is if she had to commit murder I’d probably be the one she’d call to help her bury the body, like Gabby did with Bree and Lynette, because at the rate we’re both going, we are our own brand of Desperate Housewives, living in our very own Wisteria Lane.

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Direction = Up!

I watched an episode of NCIS: Los Angeles on Sunday at Harriet’s place.  It was about a cult called The Church of the Unlocked Mind.  I’ve been told that watching TV is not conducive to my recovery, but I didn’t think forty-five minutes would do much harm. Well, I had nightmares the entire night about being held captive- and attempted to be brainwashed by an inescapable sect that I was quite exhausted when I woke up on Monday morning.  I decided that reading is a more suitable pastime.

Today marks my one-month anniversary since I was discharged from the hospital.  For the most part, I’m feeling better and I’ve been likening myself to a Phoenix.  I even had Elena do my nails in the theme.

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I’ve shed many tears the past thirty days, but I remember in the second Harry Potter book that Professor Dumbledore told Harry that Phoenix tears having healing properties.  My own tears have contributed to my rise from the ashes; granted, crying isn’t the only thing that’s been a catalyst to the improvement of my mental health, I’ve also changed my ringtone to Katy Perry’s Rise.  But that too isn’t all:  It’s a combination of factors – the medication, going to sleep with the fowls and people respecting my boundaries.  At some stage I will make a concerted effort to get back in the gym, but not to become obsessed like I did the first time I did my nut.

I’ve also reached a point of tossing my hands in the air with a screw-this-I’m-over-itattitude if things beyond my control start to get me down.  Sometimes it takes a day, sometimes a week, sometimes a month and sometimes it takes literal years, but it happens.  When it happens, it is like something within me awakens and I have an urgent need to do something that will enhance my self-esteem or better me in some way.  I think that makes me human?

One thing that is a clear indicator of me being on the mend is that I’m starting to get excited about things again and I’m planning.  I love planning – whether it’s a meal, an outing, a party or a trip.  One of my colleagues has a milestone birthday coming up, in August, and I’m already thinking of something special that can be done to surprise her.  I’m also making photobooth props so that everyone in attendance can join in the fun and I’ll make a nice collage for her as a keepsake.  No, I’m not letting the cat out the bag here, because I know she doesn’t read my blog.

There are also plans in the pipeline to attend a bachelor auction at the end of May (I won’t be bidding on any would-be suitors though because the tickets are a bit steep), but it’s for a good cause and it’s a proper formal affair, and a night out on the town with my girl friends will do me good.  Shayla-Rae and Rowena have both hauled out formal dresses for me to try on, so I’m spoilt for choice.  I forgot home much fun playing dress-up can be.  I also realize that I look amazing in the colour green.  Maybe there’ll be more opportunities to wear evening dresses down the line, who knows?

In short, if I look back at where I am now vs where I was a month ago, renewal is clear and that’s good news.  One step at a time…

Celebrity Crushes

Some time ago, long before I started blogging here at WordPress, I blogged on another platform and there was a challenge going around – “Who is your Celebrity Crush?” At that time (2009), I had a serious thing for James Spader and James Woods (don’t ask me what it was about attorney types in suits) and David Caruso (Elizabeth says she doesn’t know WTH I saw in Horatio Caine), but it was probably his red hair… my first kiss was a guy called Michael Wardle, and he had red hair. And then I dated the Facebook-breaker-upper (twice! What was I thinking??!!), who too had red hair, but lately, my celebrity crushes are still suited (must be from reading those steamy Fifty Shades novels), square-jawed law-enforcers… handcuffs anyone?

Here we have the delectably yummy Agent Seeley Booth of Bones, portrayed by David Borneaz. In one episode of the series, Bones tells Angela, “I find Booth’s symmetry appealing”. Well, so do I!

And then Patrick Jane, The Mentalist, portrayed by Simon Baker (it would be good to note that I am not a blond-bloke fan, but this man is just so hypnotic…)

Last, but in no ways least, is the hot-Hawaii-five-oh-hottie, Steve McGarrett, portrayed by Alex O’ Laughlin.

Right, enough drooling for now…back to work for me.

 

Crush ‘n Brunch

I have a new celebrity crush – Nathan Fillion…

You see, Elizabeth got me totally hooked on a TV series called Castle in which the gorgeous (or as one of his scripts says “ruggedly handsome) Mr Fillion portrays the lead role of Richard Castle, a mystery writer who ends up helping the police solve homicides, based on what he would write in his novels.  What I also enjoy is that in some episodes he plays poker with some of my favourite real-life authors, like James Patterson and Michael Connelly.  I don’t know what I am going to do when I have no more episodes to watch (eek!)

On other news – Mom and I seldom get to spend some quality time alone, so I thought I would treat her to brunch this past Saturday.

We went to a place in one of the little villages close by.  The place is called Die Ou Pastorie (translated, The Old Manse).  The house used to be home to the Dutch Reformed Minister, but is now privately owned by a local family, who live upstairs, while downstairs has been converted into a homely shop with all sorts of interesting things to buy, from homemade jams, to rusks, to secondhand clothing, to new clothing, to chunky, arty jewellery.  The place is a gem!

We sat in the garden…

 

 … where we had the creamiest cappuccinos and breakfasts with a difference.  Mom opted for vetkoek (a doughy breadroll-like South African dish) which was served with savoury mince, Marmite, cheese, homemade jam and real farm butter. 

Wanting something out of the ordinary, I ordered an African breakfast and well, it was amazing!  It consists of stiff African maize porridge, topped with two perfectly fried eggs, which are smothered in white sauce which in turn is sprinkled with beef biltong (jerky).  I loved the way it was presented – on a leopard print plate, complete with a porcupine quill to finish it off.  I also had a fresh farm roll with homemade jam. 

Onto more other news…  Work as I’m sure you have gathered, is keeping me incredibly busy.  But I’m not complaining.  In fact, I am loving my job!  I was told at my interview that stress levels can be high sometimes, particularly during month-end.  I have been through two month ends already, and I can honestly say that on my side, they have been virtually stress free (early days, I know, but still, it’s a good start).

I am anxiously awaiting the results of my 6th novel-writing assignment.  I neglected my writing for quite some time because every time that I would open a clean word processing document, the blank white page would taunt me – so much so that I couldn’t get a word typed down.  Hopefully the dry spell is over now.

Anyhow, I best get some work done – before I get caught loafing. 

See you on the flip-side!