The Bleeding Heart of Rejection

I have the most awesome friends, and blog followers! I’ve received a few topics after my request for assistance, and I’ll get to all of them, even if it means writing every day for the next decade.  Okay, that’s a hyperbole, but still, I have stuff I have to write about. Yippee!

My friend of a quarter of a century, Kerry, gave me four topics to write about:

  1. The Meaning of Friendship
  2. The Bleeding Heart of Rejection
  3. One Wish, and;
  4. Simple Little Things

Number 2 is what caught my eye first, because honestly, we’ve all been there. If you haven’t, then you’re either still a child and shouldn’t be reading my blog, or you’re a Cyberman.  If you don’t get the reference, you need to brush up on your British Sci-fi, otherwise we can’t be friends…LOL

Jokes aside, rejection comes in many forms, but none so sore as the loss of someone who owns your heart, because you decided to give it to them, trusted them to keep it safe, not to rip it to pieces and stab you continuously with its shards. After every heartbreak, there is healing, but the scars remain.

Before you all stop reading here, thinking God help us, this is going to be a morbid post, it’s not – because after every rejection (regardless of the shape it takes), something better comes along.  I’ll admit it sometimes takes ages, but it does happen.

The very first sting of rejection I can remember was in 1986, my first year of school. I always finished everything last – because I wanted it to be absolutely-, faultlessly perfect. Virgo trait, which today, thankfully, I have learned is not the be-all and end-all of everything. Organize chaos is a thing, and it works; for me at least, anyway. Every month there would be an election of Class Captain, and every month I’d be passed over. I couldn’t understand why. I was also the kid that always got chosen last for a team. I couldn’t understand why trying my best, wasn’t good enough. It confused me, but more than that, it hurt. At the end of the year though, during prizegiving, I received a book prize for First in Class: Grade 1.

My first heartbreak happened the year I was to turn twenty-one. A lot happened during the time Peter and I were together, and many things were said (and we all know that the tongue is a two-edged sword) that left me feeling not only rejected, but utterly worthless. I wanted to die. I lost almost 2 stone in a matter of a week, and I didn’t even want to shower, nor bath (and if you know me, you’ll know I cannot go a day without washing my hair).

Years have passed, and there’ve been some other disastrous relationships in between – all of which have ended because they chose not to be with me. Each time has been hard (I’d be lying if I said it gets easier), but looking back, I learned valuable lessons from every single one of those guys.  Their behavior towards me, I came to realize quite late in life, is not a reflection of who I am, but who they are. I have come out stronger, more confident, and for the most part, happy – albeit it sometimes lonely. I’ve learned to love me and bask in the uniqueness of the person I am.  Some people see it, others don’t, but as I said here I’m over what people think. I’m loved by the people in my life now – because they value me and appreciate my individuality, even when I sometimes doubt myself.

In closing, I want you to look at these two images:

Both hearts are clearly wounded – the choice lies with us whether we pull out the knife and continue to let the wound bleed indefinitely, or whether we bleed for a while (which is natural) and patch the wound and try again.

 

 

 

 

 

Insults Injure

I pinched this picture from a friend on Facebook.

The sad thing is that, as true as I would like this sentiment to be in my life, I am easily insulted and hurt, whether I value a person’s opinion or not. It’s simply because I have an incredible yearning to be liked, and that is because I have so much love to give… Probably a fault in many people’s eyes, but in mine, it is an asset. So many people are fighting some kind of battle and if a smile or kind word from me can help, then I’m happy to help.

Many of you know that since November last year, I have been following a strict gym and eating regime – and as a result of my dedication, I have dropped a dress size and lost 9.6 Kg (or just a little over 21 lbs). I am very possibly in the best shape I have been since my school days, and I feel rightfully entitled to show my new found figure off. So yesterday I dressed in a halterneck top, with literally a centimeter of clevage showing in the front and went out with Mom to the casino. An oldish (I guess about 60) man I don’t know from Joe Soap commented to someone that I know there, about my breasts (and he wasn’t exactly polite in his compliment either). I was so insulted – I felt so cheap, so I replied somewhat adamantly, “Thanks for your comments on my breasts, but they have f*** all to do with you.” Apparently he is one of the richest blokes in our town, so he must think that makes his behaviour acceptable. Actually quite tragic that money can’t buy class…

On a lighter note, I came second at the poker last night 🙂

Today fortunately went off without any insults. Mom, Aunty Carol, Elizabeth and I went to the mall for a girl’s day. Mom bought me two new tops and a pretty purple lace hairband. We went to a local café and had a brunch – I had the most divine rye sandwich, filled with roast chicken, honey-glazed bacon, avocado, pecan nuts and rocket. Aunty Carol and Mom had a good time, they spent a lot of time laughing. Sometime I look at the dynamics of their sibling relationship, or that of Elizabeth and her sisters and I think that as an only child I’ve been short-changed in some areas. Fortunately Elizabeth’s sisters have opened themselves to me and made me an official sister of their hearts.

Monday looms, and with it new challenges. I’m looking forward to it!