It’s Been a While…

…since I read an article which I could write a humourous response to, but thanks to Cosmopolitan online, I came across this article entitled Danger Phrases as well as Bad Ways to Get Over Him.

The former deals with being careful when a close friend begins a sentence with the phrases in bold print. My tongue-in-cheek replies in blue:

No offence, but… Oh joy, here we go again! She is going to  tell me that I should have worn the dark brown snakeskin boots instead of my sassy red heels…doesn’t she realize they’re just easier to take off in a moment of unadulterated lust?

Well, in my expert opinion…Well, you are not an expert are you?  If you were, you’d be rich because real experts charge by the hour, and they sit behind a desk, as opposed to lying spread-eagled, naked on top of it…

He seems like a nice guy, yet…there is something you just can’t get your finger on.  Yes girlfriend, he has red hair, he did experiment with the same sex in college, he is 10 years older than me, but believe me, he knows his onions – both in the kitchen and between the sheets.

Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. I watch Tyra. And listen to weird “psychics”…

I had this bizarre dream about your relationship. If it involved strawberry cheesecake, space pods, Dr Who, elephants, champagne and Venice, I want to know all about it.

I’m not trying to tell you what to do. Still… you’re going to anyway.  Sorry, I wasn’t listening; I was too busy daydreaming about David Tennant doing unspeakable things to me.

This is going to sound crazy, I know…crazy is normal for you my friend, don’t worry.

Please don’t be furious, but…you took my Ferrari for a spin around town.  I know, my butler saw you, my pool guy saw you, my attorney saw you – even my dentist saw you.  Don’t you know that we live in a small town?

Heidi on The Hills was actually in a similar situation, and…Who?!

According to my psychic friend…is her name Tyra?

The second article is entitled Bad Ways to Get Over Him.

Decide to celebrate your new single status with an Under the Tuscan Sun holiday, but due to financial limitations, wind up on a trip that’s not filled with amorous foreign men, but kids screaming ‘Marco!… Polo!’ in your budget-hotel pool.

Rather go on a 5-day cruise.  It’s affordable, fun, as good as an Under the Tuscan Sun holiday and there are enough gorgeous, single, eligible guys on board to flirt, swim and get lucky with.  What’s even better is that what happens on board, stays on board.

Wallow in self-pity and listen to every song Chris Isaak has ever written.

Rather put on some feel good music like Walking on Sunshine, I’m Still Standing and I Will Survive.  After all, it’s his loss.

Get a cat… then two… then 30.

Having pets is expensive, especially 30 of them.  Rather spend some money on some sexy shoes, lingerie or a nice handbag.  All these things will come in very handy when you go on the cruise holiday.

Donate all the gifts he’s ever bought you to a second-hand shop, only to buy them back the next day.

Donate the stuff you really never liked in the first place, sell the really expensive stuff, use the money to buy some good wine or champers and have a bonfire with your girlfriends using the really cheap stuff he gave you for tinder.

Immerse yourself in new hobbies – drinking, smoking and staying out all night – until you not only forget about him, but also forget you have a job, leading you to show up at work in a cocktail dress and purple, sequinned stilettos.

If your boss is a woman, you could negotiate a no-warning-for the-stilettos…  not!

Indulge in retail therapy and buy a dress that’s so expensive you have to live without electricity for a month.

See – they talk about a dress here.  I said you should buy sexy shoes, lingerie and a nice handbag.

Leave him a message to let him know you’re so over him. Then, call a dozen more times to re-emphasise that you’re so over him so big time and you just wanted him to know for sure.

Girl, you can spend your airtime on somebody worth it.  Hell, the less calls you make, the more money you’ll have for the cruise and the accessories.

Rebound with a guy who looks just like your ex – except he’s five inches shorter and 50% balder.

Trust me, this one is right on the money.

Take a break from the tyranny of male standards of beauty by refusing to remove any of your body hair.

Hairy legs and armpits are not going to score you points when some virile twenty-something comes up to you with a margarita asking you to show him your tattoo in his cabin.

Show him you’ve truly moved on by sleeping with his best friend, his boss and the bartender at his favourite watering hole.

Best revenge if you live at the coast is to get some red bait, get his car’s hubcaps off and stick the red bait inside.  Alternatively parmesan cheese all over the engine works just as well.  The smell will be so bad that he will eventually have to sell the car – and we all know how men feel about their cars…