Curve balls. Life tosses them my way. All. The. Time. For the most part, I deal quite well with these unexpected surprises, hitting them hard, sometimes right out of the park for the proverbial home-run. But…sometimes, as is the case with what I’m going to elaborate on in just a bit, the ball flies past me into the catcher’s mitt. Strike!
About 18 months ago, my ex-boyfriend, Jared made contact with me, 13 years after our break-up. It was by means of an e-mail in which he acknowledged- and apologised for his part in what led to me calling it quits. Being older and wiser too, I was able to admit that I wasn’t entirely blameless either, and with that, accepted his apology and moved on. We connected on Facebook too, but contact remained at a bare minimum, with the odd online chat once in a blue moon, and even then, it was run-of-the-mill stuff. so you will imagine my shock when I read the line, “You still hold a sizeable part of my heart.” I didn’t press the issue; in fact I pretended that I hadn’t even seen it. He later, in a separate conversation asked me if old feelings had been stirred up since we’d started talking again, and I emphatically said no, but after our conversation last night, that is no longer the truth. I’m not saying I want him back, don’t get me wrong. What I’m saying is, is that part of me, on some subliminal level, still loves him.
So time passed and in January I got my heart shattered by someone who I really thought was the one. I used Facebook as an outlet and Jared sent me a message wanting to find out if he could call me – even after more than a decade, he still had my number. He called one Sunday night, and knowing me as he does, gave me some sound advice. It was good to hear his voice. And laugh. Like old times. I asked him how his wife felt knowing that he and I were talking again, and well, needless to say, she flew off the handle. I told him to tell her I am not a threat to their marriage, but she is still a child herself, 21 years his junior, with two children to raise, so she probably wouldn’t grasp it anyway.
I’ve heard from him on the odd occasion – just a base-touching “Hi, are you okay?”, but last night he called again. We had a long talk – he needed to offload too, but was glad to hear that for the most part my heart is on the mend. He asked about any potential beaus and I laughed telling him that there might be (another very unexpected curve ball that I quite honestly, probably should have seen coming), but that I have a few concerns. We chatted about them and knowing me almost as well as I know myself, he told me that I should stop overthinking things and allow myself to live a little. He knows my history, and thus, understands my reluctance to jump into a thing with both feet, even more so after hearing how much I had been hurt recently.
We chatted a bit more and then it was time to ring off (my supper was going to be reheated a second time)…”Listen Darling…” I haven’t been called Darling since we were together. All the old familiar feelings came rushing back and I found myself wondering what if…
But, I know that wondering is not going to change anything. I cannot and will not torture myself with thoughts of what might have been. It is a recipe for disaster, and if I live in the past, I am going to miss what is in the present, which in itself is proving to be quite interesting. But that is a story for another time – I don’t want to jinx it… 🙂