I have been incredibly blessed since my birthday with people speaking incredible, undeniable truths into my life, yet I myself find it hard to do. Nita at work has given me a series of CD’s by Pastor Allan Bagg to listen to. The first one was entitled The Power of the Spoken Word and it had a profound effect on me, although honestly, I still find myself speaking negative things into my life, despite knowing the truth that “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” Proverbs 18:21. For some strange reason, it is easier for me to tell someone else, “You will be blessed,” or “what lies ahead is so much better than what you’ve recently experienced,” or “You’re doing incredibly well; this is just the beginning…” I can go on and on, but I’m sure you get the picture.
There are two other CD sets for me to listen to – one escapes me now, but I know the one is called Understanding Faith. I’m hoping to have some time alone tomorrow, [free of the white noise (my parents’ constant sniping at one another, the radio in the kitchen, the TV in the lounge and the one in the bedroom) that greets me as soon as I walk in the door] so that I can listen to it, and hopefully the other one too. A few important things are lacking in my life at the moment – faith and hope are particularly high on the list, and well, my patience is wearing thin too, so that can probably be included in the list. Despite being someone that loves being around people, I find myself feeling incredibly lonely.
I said to someone the other day that I love peace and quiet, but I hate being alone. I remember when Aunty Dana used to stay with us – she and mom would often spend the entire day in the house together without uttering a word to one another. Just the fact that there was another person in the house was enough for both of them. Now that’s what I wouldn’t mind some days, but like I said, there is constant white noise around me and it sometimes feels like a beehive in my head buzzing incessantly, until I want to give myself a frontal lobotomy just to make it stop! The ironic thing is that nobody seems to notice. Either they’re totally oblivious or I have a damn good game-face on. Next week I will be home alone for a few days, which I think will be a good time for some introspection. Until then, I will take solace in what I received from a friend earlier today…
“Today may there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.
May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content with yourself just the way you are.
Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.”