Another repost from 2009 – a chap I fancied at the time suggested I write a suicide note for a creative writing challenge, so I did:
When I used to hear people talk about people they knew who had committed suicide, my immediate reaction was always, “What can be so bad that someone feels they have NOBODY to talk to?” Ironically enough, I have reached that very point in my life, where I feel nobody will understand, let alone care. Even more ironic still is that while I feel nobody will understand, I still feel the need to explain why I have decided to end my own life and to bid the important people in my life a final, bittersweet farewell.
Mom and Dad – I could not have asked for better parents. You have both been a shining example of what love, hope and trust are. You taught me many important things during the last three decades, particularly to be proud of who I am and what I have achieved. I am proud of many things, particularly to have had you as parents, but I am not proud of the many disappointments I have allowed you to suffer as a result of my pig-headedness. I know that you will have to face many people after I’ve gone and while I know it will be a disappointment, I ask you to forgive me. I love you both with my entire heart. And I am grateful for everything you have done for me. Please tell Aunty C, Uncle B, Cousins A & L and her kiddies that they were always my favourites.
I have had so many people I have been privileged to call friends over the years. Some were only in my life for a season, others for much longer. Three friends, although I don’t think they realize it, have really touched my life on this earth – not because of who they are (well, that too…) but because of the importance they place in their faith. While I am a believer, I was never fortunate enough to experience the same depth and dependency of faith in my life as they did in theirs. Mia, Haan and Nella – may your faith always keep you going. And, while I’m probably not in the position to be making requests given my decision, I beg for your forgiveness and ask you to pray for my parents left behind.
Zettie, Liza, and Kel – in addition to the three friends mentioned above, you too have touched my life. Despite time, distance and my ever changing moods, each one of you was always willing to set time aside to listen when I needed you or just to be. This means more to me than I think any one of you may realize. Sadly though, in spite of this, I wasn’t able to share the deep sadness that has haunted me to such an extent that I have chosen to end my life, rather than face the continuing darkness.
A – Baby, you are someone who also touched my life in a very profound way. You were there when the wheels started to fall off the wagon with S (as were you Zettie) and continued to be for long after. We’ve shared laughs, tears and some naughty secrets. Know my friend that I’m sorry to leave you, but really, I don’t see any alternative. How do I go on? You can keep my sexy black ‘n green dress. Just don’t wear it to my funeral!
J – I love you. I have since the first time you chirped me at work. I’ve laughed with you, cried with you and been so naughty with you. It took you a long time to make a move, but when you did, it shook my world. I don’t think I was ever the same after that first kiss we had shared. I wish you every happiness in the world. Just remember to be good – and if you can’t, take pictures.
To those of you who didn’t receive a special mention, I doesn’t mean that pictures of you didn’t pop into my mind and make me smile. I will miss you all too!
With much heartache and despair,