have been neglecting my blog, I know. I have been, and to a point, still am, in quite a bad space, so I opted to rather withdraw a bit because I have some serious soul-searching to do…
The main issue is the promotion offer. I don’t doubt my own abilities, but I have spoken to a number of people about the job, including Sandra, whose shoes I will be filling. She is of the opinion that I am more than capable, but I know what kind of hours she worked last season and honestly, I don’t see myself doing 14 – 16 hours a day, six, sometimes, seven days a week. Not for any amount of money. I have no time for my family, friends, nor any hope of pursuing a relationship (and there is a possibility of one blossoming), because no man would accept those hours.
Steve, one of the new owners, told me that I shouldn’t use last season as a benchmark, given the fact that the farm was in liquidation at the time and that Cameron, the owner at the time, wasn’t willing to spend cash on additional labour. Steve says that he is planning to streamline things a bit, and that, at worst, I will be looking at 11 to 12 hours on a bad day. I will also be compensated for my Sundays and public holidays – there will be no time taken in lieu of, because effectively, there never is time available to take.
This offer has really made me question a lot of things about myself – my life, what I’ve achieved, where I am going, what I want and who I am. It has caused me a tremendous amount of heartache, sorrow, feelings of failure, and even more so, fear. Fear of the unknown.
It brought me too, to a horrific realization. I have lost my faith. I believe in God, and accepted Him into my life many years ago already, but as I grew up, my faith took a back seat. I’m ashamed to say that I have forgotten how to pray. I can pray, but without faith, I am praying to the ceiling. I feel so lost, and it has taken this promotion offer to make me realize this. I still don’t know what I am going to, but I know that God knows the desires of my heart, and that He does have a perfect plan for me. I just need to find the faith to believe what I know.
Then, on other things…
I got home sometime last week when Mom called me to the lounge and showed me something in the You magazine that turned my blood ice-cold. There, in black and white print, under the desperately seeking section, was an entry, “Seeking G…W…L…F…, please call your sister, B…at …). That person is my biological father, whom I haven’t seen in going-on 22 years, but whom I think I saw in a vision (link from my old blog) almost two years ago.
This too has opened the dark recesses of my mind where I thought I had stored him forever, making me re-question many things I had thought had made peace with.
Ok, enough depressing stuff – there is light at the end of the tunnel, and no, it isn’t an oncoming train.
On Friday Steve let us all go off at 15:00 so we could be in time to watch the inaugaral FIFA 2010 Soccer World Cup match between Bafana Bafana and Mexico. We were all told to wear something yellow and green in support and so I improvised, with a little help from Rachel and digging through boxes in storage.
Don’t I look absolutely ayoba?
Mark and I went for the coffee I mentioned in my previous post, although he had beer and I had Jack Daniels (it was a very long day) and it was a pleasant experience. I found out that he was married for just over 4 years, and has been divorced for just over two and that he has been single for just over six months. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. We cleared up the distrust regarding Rachel, myself and the text messages, but I did hit an extra nail in the coffin when I told him that Rachel and Kyle seem to be getting very close. The night ended on a good note, with him giving me a hug and a kiss goodnight. So…progress…
I have heard from him every day since then. He has been very ill with flu, but I did see him last night. Kyle, Rachel, her brother, his girlfriend and I went dancing at the local haunt where Mark DJ’s and I went to say hello – he seemed pleased to see me, giving me a hug and a kiss – and of course, my heart skipped a beat – I really do like this man, a tremendously great deal.
We had a few dances together, but I could hear he is still sick. I don’t think he should have ventured out in the first place, but he said that he had committed himself to being there to DJ, and so he was fulfilling that commitment. He was a bit stand-offish towards Rachel, which is understandable, but I did tell him that it was unnecessary.
The others left just after 23:30 and, while I had no intention of actually leaving, I went to Mark to say that the others had left, and that I was also going to be leaving. He told me that I wasn’t going anywhere – so I spent the last half hour of his gig, in the DJ box with him, catching up on the last two weeks. The man sounded dreadful. I have hopefully convinced him to go to the doctor, because it is obvious that the medicine he got over the counter isn’t really helping much.
While we sat chatting, he kept touching my arm or my knee, so I think that there is a mutual attraction on some level, which is making me all mushy inside. I invited him home for coffee, but he said he would rather come during the day so that he could meet my parents. He didn’t want them to have a bad impression of him, in the sense that he would only visit when they’re asleep. I admit that I may have had slight ulterior motives, but I respect the fact that he is willing to do things the right way. We rainchecked for this afternoon, but he pulled out – he is utterly and completely voiceless.
I really, really, really, really like him and honestly hope that things may develop between us, but only time will tell. I am not going to force my hand. I have that same butterfly feeling I did with all my other relationships, but yet, there is something different about this one. It is a good different though. I have been humming the tune of Juanita du Plessis’s Mengelmoeskardoes all day…